Uggh. For starters.
Followed closely by an omg of wtf.
As we get older things tend to suck a little more - you catch yourself being like - who even am I? did I really just do that? Is my Mom actually.. my friend?
Post 26, we are no longer in that early twenties phase. Yes people, we are mid - to LATE twenties. Soon to be late, soon to be thirty. Soon to be judged for not having a spouse, a mortgage, a baby.
Welcome to Club 26! Familiarise yourself with these home truths:
1. Your apps have changed. You now posses more 'Health' apps, possibly even a language app to help you with you Español because you go there like once every 6 years. Ole!
2. You have to think twice about ordering that pizza. Sad sad, very sad - but you do it anyway - because pizza is life.
5. Skin is different now. You aren't full of youthful fat and plushiness. Your skin is sallow and greyish. You find yourself seeking out more and more creams, face washes, oils, serums, shaving oils, men's only (if it's just for me, it's better right?) because now we are convinced that it helps. We've even started convincing ourselves that the more we spend on this face care, the better we will look... Dangerous territory.
4. Holidays are the only thing you care about ever. When is the next one? WHEN
5. You sort of wish you spoke to your family more.. Call me? Do I call them? Well this is new and weird.
6. Alcohol. Is not. Your friend. Funny though, because come 18:01 on Friday it seems to be the best thing that happened to you since sliced bread. WRONG, think about that hangover.. The thirst, the dizziness.. Didn't stop you either? Maybe this is something we learn at 30?
7. Your body clock is starting to stress you. Oh hi there cute lil baby! Ohh what's that? My womb aches? NO womb - I have a life and a career to pursue - and a lot of alcohol paired with poor choices to make.
8. Home wares make all the difference to your house. You've probably been on the hunt for a piece of art (OK fine movie poster - the same thing right?) or a pretty plant. There's something about items that aren't laundry which make your home feel grown up.
9. Should I be with someone? Will I be single forever? Will I be with this person forever? Do I even like them? What about that boyfriend I had in year 10, he's pretty big time now, wonder if he still fancies me? Time is running out and no-one has the answers. Go with your gut - order a pizza.
10. Sometimes all you want to do is plan something to cook and spend $400 (£35) on ingredients and stay at home. This is fine.
11. Going for dinner on a Friday night, followed by the cinema, followed by bed - could possibly trump wondering home at 2 - 3 - 4 even 5 am, without your wallet, any water and your dignity.
12. Bank balances. Oh God. Why? We make more money now (compared to when we were 10), but does it make a difference? It's all going on skincare and holidays. What saving account? Unless you're a trader of gold bars or blessed with parents with pockets deeper than the bags under my eyes - come on, come sit here with me on the broke bench.
13. Tinder is actually not a great tool for finding love that lasts beyond 10am the next day. Did it stop you though? SWIPE SWIPE SWIPE
14. About that vegan life though... Have you ever tried it? Been thinking about eating less meat? Tofu? It's OK. You're not alone. Not saying that you need to go vegan or go home, but it feels kinda nice. I love animals. Lets eat less of them.
15. Sitting down - now this is ridiculous. We all most likely sit down all day, but when we get home - all we want to do is, well, sit down.
16. Instagram stresses you. Why are these 19 year olds partying more? Why is everyone switched on? I was rocking a baby blue fleece at 14, not a crop top.
17. Why is my body like this? Am I fat? I need to exercise? No! I hate it, it's boring. It sucks. I am not a human hamster on a treadmill. What's that, cellulite? Flab? Oh OK FINE.
18. Should I just quit my job and travel the world instead? Looks like everyone else is. What's wrong with that anyway? *sits at desk for 17 years*
19. Should you take care of your hair better? Do it? Make it stylish? Get products, get a blowdry? Why don't I look internet ready all the time? Where is my glam squad? Someone please, do my hair for me.
20. Friends. We all have a good friend in our lives, if we are really lucky, we have more than one. It can be anyone, your childhood friend, your mom, a girl you met one time at a Halloween party who at first you thought was a bit of a bitch, but 24 hours later, she was the sister you never had (maybe that's just me). Anyway, the thing about being this age is that you don't have to be friends with anyone if you don't want to! You are not bound by unwritten classroom rules - if that boy / girl that was mean to you for wearing your coolest fashion forward clothes on non-school uniform day still pushes your buttons - its OK- you can push them off the metaphorical cliff that is your life. Say Adios! Cherish the ones that make you happy, make you laugh, fill you with buzzy love when you see them. Facetime them, call them, whatsapp them - go and have another cocktail with them, because chances are, you'll buzz with love together - and this feels wonderful.
Whatever the vibe of your life - no-one actually knows what they're doing, where they're going or where they'll be in 5 years, and you know what, that's OK, because we all have each other. So call that friend, your mom or your fake sister, order a pizza, talk about face cream, lurk on Instagram and discuss the benefits of vegan food. Celebrate life! Even if you are ageing. x